My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
