Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
