hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
