His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
