My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
