I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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