i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
