Pregnant stripper...not hot.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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