i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
