On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
