happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
