I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
