hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
