Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
