dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i dont even know how to be here
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
