Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
