Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
