I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
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