you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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