i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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