You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
