omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
It was confusing and full of hummus
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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