I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
