my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
and you fell through a lawn chair
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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