Whatcha textin bout Willis?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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