dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
