I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
