I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
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