Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.