Texts From Last Night

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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up

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  (413): so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up http://tfl.nu/rtem
  Replies (23) Good night (3806) Bad night (686)
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time

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  (832): why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time http://tfl.nu/brrk
  Replies (27) Good night (5075) Bad night (1001)
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.

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  (912): There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up. http://tfl.nu/juwj
  Replies (25) Good night (10328) Bad night (1154)
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.

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  (778): We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's. http://tfl.nu/nlsl
  Replies (12) Good night (2997) Bad night (1135)
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  (619): View more from California

  surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.

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  (619): surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk. http://tfl.nu/u5eo
  Replies (4) Good night (1314) Bad night (3450)
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it

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  (618): And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it http://tfl.nu/zwsy
  Replies (5) Good night (1568) Bad night (657)
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  (585): View more from New York

  Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20

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  (585): Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20 http://tfl.nu/5k8j
  Replies (12) Good night (2338) Bad night (636)
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.

  (502): View more from Kentucky

  And if not?

  (937): View more from Ohio

  ...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?

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  (937): No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship. (502): And if not? (937): ...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you? http://tfl.nu/fwg8
  Replies (5) Good night (1940) Bad night (612)
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Who showers for four hours?!

  (760): View more from California

  It was like a tropical nap.

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  (206): Who showers for four hours?! (760): It was like a tropical nap. http://tfl.nu/5ez6
  Replies (4) Good night (1465) Bad night (450)
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.

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  (702): I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups. http://tfl.nu/t5hn
  Replies (3) Good night (382) Bad night (797)
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am

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  (225): My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am http://tfl.nu/6fcm
  Replies (0) Good night (764) Bad night (381)
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  What are your plans?

  (1-608): View more from Wisconsin

  Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.

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  (608): What are your plans? (1-608): Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters. http://tfl.nu/04dy
  Replies (1) Good night (900) Bad night (389)
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate

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  (306): yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate http://tfl.nu/3igr
  Replies (1) Good night (554) Bad night (370)
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  (510): View more from California

  Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.

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  (510): Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine. http://tfl.nu/0e0b
  Replies (4) Good night (360) Bad night (256)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her

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  (+44): She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her http://tfl.nu/9grf
  Replies (0) Good night (479) Bad night (184)

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