Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
