On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
