I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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