I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
