Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
