I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
