It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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