the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
