Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
