No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
