So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
