I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
