grandma shit on top of the toilet
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize