Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
