do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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