Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
