I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
