someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
