also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
When are your genitals available?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
