apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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