You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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