Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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