Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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