So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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