I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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