I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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