When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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