im about as happy as oj after his trial
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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