what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
