I swear she didn't look like that last week.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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