I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
