I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
